Most children are afraid of the dark at times. Some kids go through fears of the monsters under the bed or creatures in the bedroom cupboard. These fears usually last a few months but soon go away. Sometimes, kids have fears that become excessive and stop them from joining in and having fun in life. At this point it has gone beyond shyness, nervousness and is actually anxiety. As parents you can see this and want to help them but are not sure how.
An example of a child struggling with anxiety is Jack, he becomes shy, nervous and anxious when he has to play with other kids. Jack went to a friend’s birthday party but there were other kids he didn’t know. He spent most of the time not moving from his mother’s side. There was the usual party games and Jack was longing to join in but did not because he was too shy.
Then his friend’s mother started handing out lollies, Jack's mum knew he wanted some but that he wouldn’t ask, and hence would miss out. So, his mum, feeling sorry for him, went up and asked for some for Jack. Jack loved the lollies and his mum felt good for helping him. Unknowingly, the mum helped create (what I call) a ‘vicious cycle’. Mum knew that Jack would miss out and be upset, she had been through this so many times before!
As a mother it is difficult to watch when your child suffers from anxiety and you want to help. Now let’s just think about this from your child’s point of view, they were gripped by fear, wanted the lollies, but were too frightened to get them, mum gets them the lollies and thus gets them what they want. Your child actually becomes more reliant on you next time there is a similar situation. He has learnt that he can’t do it by himself and needs your help. Consequently, his confidence is further eroded and his anxiety continues.
What to do? Difficult and painful as it is, it’s vital that you do not rescue your child. They have to experience the consequences of missing out on the party game, or the lollies because they were too afraid. Your child will learn that the other children aren’t scary or dangerous and that they can cope without your intervention. Unsure if you’re rescuing them too much or too little? Simply ask yourself “Did I really need to step in?” and “What would have been the worst outcome if I hadn’t?”
This is one of many strategies that can help kids master their anxious feelings. They are other ways out there, and all can vastly change the family or the child’s life. If you want more information, I recommend visiting a psychologist or reading “Helping your Anxious Child” by Macquarie University (a step-by-step book written for parents).
Nicole Pierotti
Originally Published: April 16, 2019
Last Edited: December 13, 2021
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